With my recent short film about the loss of of my father and the pain and unanswered questions I have carried with me ever since, a few things have to come light. What does the hooded figure and the light represent? It’s a good question. I wanted those elements to be open ended.
The hooded figure could represent
• My hidden faceless pain I carry with me.
• The deceased person who feels they can’t let go and be at peace.
• The pain of losing somebody.
The light
• The dead becoming at ease.
• God helping relieve the suffering.
• God putting to rest the person who took their own life.
And that’s how I wanted it to be viewed, each viewer would see and feel something different.
Painful.
There was 1 part of this film short that I had not written or planned, in fact there was 2, with both clips not meaning to make the Final cut they just fell into place, and they both bring deep emotions to me when I watch them back.
The first was when I was standing on the cliff edge before I became the hooded figure, I was stood there in my normal clothes, this was so I could check the composition and framing and set focus, it can be hard doing all these things when you film alone. This transition ended up in the film as a way to move the narrative forward as if I have to leave the pain of loss behind and live my life going forward, I left that in as it seemed to sum up perfectly the message I was trying to get across.
The 2nd shot that still gets to me emotionally, was as I left the van and we see the door open, it appears I am emotional and had to leave the talking sections, the music swells here and makes me feel very off.
The power of music cannot be overstated.
Length.
I originally scripted a much longer film, that went on for at least another 5 mins, it showcased the joy I have for life by getting out there, the freedom the van brings me, something I have always wanted. But I decided to cut it out, many of my viewers only watch 2 mins or less of my content, so I wanted my message to get out before they turned off. The 2nd film I had started covers my journey and is about the channel and content I want to create going forward. Youtube is no longer important to me.
All I Ever Wanted
All I ever wanted was to be able to create outdoor adventures videos and make just enough to survive via patreon and leave my job. I only have 3 patterns and make around £25 a month so the dream is dead again it's all I have ever wanted but reality hits, It will never happen, I don't have the looks, personality, or quality of content to pull it off.
And with that shattered dream realized, it released me from any confines I feel I have, I can now create what I want, on any subject, short films, vanlife, great outdoors, hiking, anything, its liberating and has inspired me to want to be more of a content film maker than just another fool creating luck laster mtb and hiking videos.
My video seems of reached some peoples heart strings, I received two messages on fb soon after saying it brought them to tears, and that they somewhat know what I was trying to say. A few have commented on the awful comment the Vicar had mentioned to me and yes I agree, such a lack of empathy.
Suicide
When the subject has come up in average discussion with people I know or work with (unaware of what I have been through) They sometimes comment with things such as “Anyone who takes their own life is loser” “Suicide is for cowards who can’t face their issues” “They are obviously weak people” My emotions are.. utter anger, my blood boils for their ignorance and their lack of understanding.
Suicide affects a lot of people, more people than you probably realize. It takes VAST courage to take your own life, it takes desperation with thoughts of no help or nobpdy cares, no way out, many people do not take their own life on whim, many plan it out. If you had thoughts about ending your life, how would you do it? Would it be painful, how would those left behind feel? I honestly feel these people have more bravery and courage than anybody else living and breathing (in context).
I have lost 2 members of my family to suicide.
I could write a 100 page document on how I admire these people, but many would not understand my point of view, until you feel THEIR pain you can’t really judge these people. I won’t be discussing how my Father took his own life, or where or even why, that’s my story to carry.
But I do ask you to not judge those that have crossed over before their natural time. Desperation leads to desperate measures when you feel you are alone with nobody to turn to.
Time to go.
I think had my mum not been the most amazing person I know, I too would of taken my own life like father like son, but while my mum and sister still breathe I couldn’t bring myself to do it to them. As a single 51 year old, with no wife or kids it would be easy to say.. “What’s the point of my life?” My fathers blood runs in my veins after all.
Creativity keeps me alive, it’s true. Further down the line will my point of view change?, yes I am sure it will and when the time comes, the clock strikes, I will cross over, at a time I choose and volition. I am not in a dark place currently so please don’t think I am in a bad place, making this very short film feels in some way a lifting of some of the emotions I have hidden deep for a good while now. And I hope it can and will inspire people to have open discussion around the subject of death and suicide.
If you feel you need help, or feel there is no way out please speak to the Smaratans or seek help, even talking to a friend can help massively. It is never too late even though you might feel the road has ended ,your life doesn't need too.
R.I.P to those I speak of.
Andy.
Boots.
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